Nov 5, 2019
What's it like to be single in the church? Are we
unknowingly sending the message that without a matrimony, they are
not a whole person?
If you are married, I think you will be surprised by what my
guest Nicole LeBlond bravely shares, and based on the other women's
voices recorded in this episode, she is not alone in her
experiences. Prepare yourself to be enlightened and better equipped
to know how to love and support the single women in your
life.
If you are single, my hope is you will feel seen and affirmed.
My hope is our christian communities will learn how to see you as
whole and valid, as is.
My Guest: Nicole LeBlond
Nicole was born and raised Portland, Oregon and is a pediatric
nurse at Randall Children’s Hospital. Along with working with the
greatest team at the best children's hospital in Portland, she
participates in medical missions in Haiti – a country and people
that has taken hold of her heart. She is a diehard Boston Red Sox
fan and speaks fluently in movie quotes. She's a little obsessed
with Disneyland – so much so, she had an Annual Pass for 2 years
and is thinking it might be time to renew. She is a follower of
Jesus – striving to share His grace, mercy, and love to all the
peeps in her life.
Show Notes:
-
There tends to be a lumping in of never marrieds with divorced and widowed women even though the experiences are quite different.
-
The church struggles to know what do with single people.
-
Nicole has felt as a single woman there was something wrong with her because she didn't really fit anywhere in the church.
-
She has found Women's Ministry Events to be isolating - events seem to focus on a woman's purpose is to be a wife and a mother.
-
Separating the Singles out (dividing them by age or gender) is injuring & feels like the church is telling her she doesn't have any worth, like she doesn't have anything to offer the rest of the church.
Singles Need Us to Be Their Community
Nicole enjoys hanging out with married people - being a part
of a family is a beautiful picture of community.
She needs the church to rally around her and tell her, "We'll
be your family!"
Even though she doesn't have kids herself, she does have
something to offer us.
"I don't have to have kids to be able to listen to you talk
about your child, 'I'm struggling with X and I don't know what to
do,' but you know what I can do? I can pray. I can go to the Father
for you maybe in a way that someone else can't because I see it in
another way."
"Everyone is a valid member of our community."
We have a unique opportunity to do life together.
Paul and the Bible: "Singleness is a
gift"
-
This not a gift to the single person, but is a gift to the church
-
Because there may be more freedom in their schedule to serve others in the church, singles are then a gift to the church
How being single does not feel like a gift
-the loneliness
-grieving not having a family with children
-romance shows can be poke the bruised places
The message she got that you can earn a husband -
Marriage is a Reward or You are not Christian enough
"You're not married yet because your husband isn't ready. Once
he's hit whatever benchmark that God has for him, he'll be ready
and you can be married. Or "You haven't met that benchmark that God
has for you therefore when you meet that, you'll be ready for
marriage."
What Not to Say
You have to just to stop looking, and then he'll show
up.
You just haven't met him yet.
Some people weren't meant to be married. (can give the message
that there is something wrong with her)
The American Culture says getting married and having children
is just what you do
What to Say & Do
"Man, I'm sorry."
Engage them where they're at, not waiting for them to get
married
-ask them to lead Bible Studies
-ask them to open up their homes to host small groups
-not treating her as a tag-along but as a member who has
something to offer
-invite her to events or to hang out with your family
-If she is a close friend, ask her if she desires/ to be
married.
What She Wishes We Knew
She understands grief. She grieves her singleness.
Kathleen's Parting Thoughts
If we really stop and think about it, as the woman earlier in
the show stated, we are a society that holds coupling on an altar.
If you aren't in a couple, then we assume you are looking to find
someone, and then we inadvertently are telling singles they aren't
okay if they aren't matched up.
Invalid, not whole, not valuable, less than, don't
fit, something wrong with me
-
this was the theme I heard over and over again
-
you might feel attacked & not understand why what we are saying and doing is hurtful, and I'm glad you are noticing those feelings. But I also know you are here because you want to love better. So, if you don't understand why single women are feeling this way in the church, now would be a great time to go to them and have an honest discussion.
-
In every Episode Guide I make available to my Patreon Members, I tell them if they've found themselves uncomfortable after the Big Reveal segment of the show, they might want to
-
-
Seek out others who think like the guest on that particular topic and ask them questions.
-
And then I give them words they could say, like:
“I honestly want to understand why someone thinks
the way they do about this topic. I’m not looking to debate you, I
really just want to learn more. Would you mind sharing with me what
brought you to this conclusion? Because I realize you probably
didn’t just wake up one day and say ______. (I feel like the church
thinks I am not valuable)
A good friend of mine who used to lead a thriving single
moms group me were having a discussion about how we tend to see
single men vs single women. Women tend to be seen as broken, and
not able to keep a man, or power hungry, career chasing, no time
for a family because of her cold cold heart, where as single men
are seen as helpless in one way, "poor guy he just hasn't found the
right woman yet," but he is not seen as broken or as power
hungry.
This discussion really had me examining my own biases. And
the result wasn't pretty. I had to hold up things I had been taught
(explicitly and implicitly) next to what was true in the lives of
my own single friends to see that it was time to let go of some
stinkin' thinkin'.
Invite them
-
Keep asking if they turn you down
-
-
they may not be ready yet (divorced, widowed)
-
they may be exhausted doing all the things themselves (if you are married, most of us have someone to shoulder all the burdens with, even if he doesn't seem to pull his weight all time, many of us have a security of knowing there is another person available in times of emergency)
-
they may have other plans
-
Things to NOT say:
-
"You just haven't found the right guy yet."
-
"You're going to meet someone, just when you least expect it."
-
"Let God be your husband."
-
Why aren't you married yet?
-
You have to just to stop looking, and then he'll show up.
-
Some people aren't meant to be married.
-
God's still doing a work in you/him, then you'll be ready.
-
Have you found someone yet?
Touch
If you are married or have a significant other, I want you to
notice how much touch you get throughout the day. A brush of the
arm, an arm around a shoulder, a hug, a snuggle under a warm
blanket, or even just a jab in the arm. Now I want you to think
about your single friend and how little she is probably touched. A
little warning here, not everyone is going to welcome contact, so
you may want to make sure your friend is okay with touch, but
please consider linking arms with them or hugging them the next
time you are together. We need touch in order to thrive. And maybe
this could be a simple way for you to love your single
friend.
Kathleen's Workbook -Embrace You: A Guide to Uncovering the Real
You
Wanna hear the why behind Nicoles's Big
Reveal? Become a Patreon Member of this podcast and get
access to the "Interview After the Interview"
episode. https://www.patreon.com/whatshewishesyouknew
Are you a visual learner? Wish you had in written form
all the guest's tips about how to be a loving supportive
friend? Become a $2/month patreon member and receive an
Episode Guide that outlines all her practical tips (as well as some
others we didn't discuss).
Have more questions for Nicole? Become a
$5/month Patreon Member and get access to a Live Q&A with
Connie inside our Patreon Exclusive Access Facebook
Group. https://www.patreon.com/whatshewishesyouknew
Facebook: @WhatSheWishesPodcast
Instagram: @speakerkathleenmpeters