Dec 17, 2019
What
is it like to be a foster care provider? Often we think
about the heartache that must come with returning a child to their
biological parent... Jillana Goble shares with us the grief and the
hope. If you are a foster parent, my hope is you will feel seen in
this upcoming episode. If you love someone who is a foster parent,
I hope you will walk away with practical ways you can support
them.
Jillana Goble has been a foster mom,
biological mom, and adoptive mom—in that order—since 2003. She is a
connector and a collaborator who has walked an unlikely path in
creating unprecedented relationship with the children who have
walked through her front door, their biological families, and with
the Oregon Department of Human Services Child Welfare. She founded
Embrace Oregon, which is the catalyst for Every Child Oregon, a
robust engagement model bridging the community and foster
care.
Jillana holds a Masters Degree in Teaching. She is a sought
after speaker on various topics around foster care,
government/community partnership, adoption, special needs, grief,
and hope. She continues to mentor and walk alongside
countless foster parents navigating this journey.
Jillana and her husband, Luke, got married in 2000. They have
two biological daughters and two sons that they fostered and later
adopted. They were also reunited with their first son in foster
care after over a decade apart. They are joyfully called “Auntie” &
“Papa” by another child in foster care who has lived with them
twice.
When not engaging with her family, Jillana enjoys drinking
coffee with friends—half filled with cream—at neighborhood coffee
shops. Her favorite things include leaning in to engage others’
real deal stories, walking her sweet yet stubborn labradoodle
around her city block, and reading in the tub way too late at
night.
00:23:22 Why Jillana started Embrace Oregon - Every
Child
*00:28:05 The Welcome Boxes - a loving gift given to a child
who is being processed into the DHS system
00:29:57 What got her first interest in being a foster parent
started in Guatemala - this caused her and her husband Luke to ask,
"Where are the vulnerable children here (the US)?"
00:32:35 Their first experience in fostering
00:33:52 What happened in Guatemala that caused her and Luke
to ask this question
00:35:50 After having biological children and moving to
Oregon, what started as purely an informational call ends in
fostering a baby who is now her 11 year adopted son
00:36:48 Jillana's relationship with her 11 year old
son's biological mom - the most transformational relationship she's
ever been a part of
00:38:25 Battling the image of foster parents rescuing a
child- Jillana's book - it feels like the manual of everything you
should know before you foster
00:39:35 The grief of fostering
Heavier things in lighter moments -
disclosures the children may make
00:46:03 "Signing up for foster care is an invitation to raise
your hand and invite heartbreak and suffering into your life."
-
00:45:54 Jillana's personal experiences with grief
Returning a child to biological mama's Rehabilitation Center -
a feeling that maybe she was losing her ability to hope for a
healthy outcome
00:54:07 Fostering is about holding things loosely - hope,
expectations of what you would want to happen, what you think
should happen, biological parents, foster children
00:56:05 What about the grief of getting attached to this
child with the possibility of them returning to their biological
parents?
00:59:41 These kids did nothing wrong - they did not cause
their situation the word "foster" can be equated with negative
words--- Jillana on purpose says children in foster care
instead
01:04:00 The most common reasons children enter into the
foster care system is physical abuse, sexual abuse, psychological
abuse, neglect, domestic violence, incarceration of parent, a
parent's drug and alcohol abuse, and untreating of mental
illness
01:05:22 The hope would be that a family would have a safety
net of support to draw from when they are struggling...that Child
Welfare wouldn't even have to get involved
01:07:10 For some bio parents this can be a terrifying thought
to have their child in the system if they themselve had a terrible
experience when they were a child
01:08:00 Honoring the humanity of the biological parents
01:12:49 How we can be supportive to a foster
parent
What to Say
- "I don't know what it's like to be a foster parent, but I do
know you have a lot on your plate, can I help you with this
__(yardwork, a meal, laundry) ____?"
- "I don't know what you're going through, but I know it's not
just everyday life is normal. I know there are a lot of dynamics
going on under the roof of your home."
- "Can I give you a gift card for _____?"
- "Would you like to go to coffee with me?"
- "Can I come take a walk with you?"
What Not to Say
- "Oh, I get it ___(a story of a pet you've
adopted)___."
- "You're such an angel."
- "I could never do that, I'd just get way too attached."
- "I can't believe those kids are in foster care; they're so
clean, polite, or so adorable, or so smart." as if the word foster
is the opposite of these words
- "God gives special kids to special people."
- "God will not give you more than you can handle."
01:31:12 How you can get involved in Embrace
Oregon
1:32:42 The Big Reveal Segment
01:35:39 Kathleen's Wrap Up
If you see someone and they seem to be doing just fine, the
kids they are fostering are doing great in Sunday School, or
playing with your kids, or just in general being around you, it
doesn't mean that at home it's not a WHOLE NOTHER BALL GAME.
Please make sure to check in with your friend. Just because on
the outside she seems to be holding it all together beautifully,
she just might need your help.
- Take her to coffee
- Offer to do practical things for her: laundry, meals, grocery
shop, clean a bathroom
- Offer respite care
- Offer to transport her other kids to their practices
- Offer to be a nonjudgmental listening ear
Ways to Help in Oregon
Welcome Boxes
provide children in foster care with special items while
sitting in a DHS office.
Launch Boxes
assist youth who are aging out of foster care with items to
help them get on their feet.
Emergency Needs
from DHS are shared with community members to support children
in foster care. Expressed needs range from a bunk bed to new
shoes.
Boxes of Love
provides local children being placed in foster care with a box
of new clothing and other comfort items to call their own.
Office Buddies
Foster Parent Night Out
Transportation
Service Projects
DHS Staff Appreciation
Another perspective to those considering foster
care:
"Foster care and adoption are not a cure for
trauma. Rather, it is the beginning of a new
and terrifying journey of connection. ‘Trust us,’ the new
family says. ‘No really, for real this time... ‘
It takes so much consistent, reassuring, forgiving parenting
to sell that “forever family” ideal to a person who has seen the
darkest side of humanity.
You will not be able to do it alone, and love is not
enough. Select a team of people who understand what
trauma does to a developing brain. Be very intentional in
building a network of support - people who won’t judge you or your
kid, who will remind you why you started, people who can handle the
ugly days. Sort out the naysayers and limit your exposure to
them. In the end, it’s your family and your kid. Keep
their world small, predictable, and safe." -Susan Skutt
How to Find Jillana:
Jillana's Book:
Kathleen's Workbook -
Embrace You: A Guide to Uncovering the Real
You
Bonus Episode (Interview After the Interview)
: Become a $2/month patreon member and get access to all
the bonus episodes where my guests shares the WHY to her Big
Reveals.
Patreon Information
Where to find Kathleen
Instagram: @speakerkathleenmpeters
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